Hairbrained
by savannavansmutsmut
Summary: Bella is new in town and meets an odd hairdresser that everyone avoids. She considers the bad-haired townsfolk pathetic, until she finds out what's really going on. One shot
1. Chapter 1

SM owns Twilight, though I don't think she'd want to claim them after what I've done. I hope you enjoy this bit of crazy. It was written for a blog that Dollybigmomma and I did with some friends.

Victims of her own hilarity at blogspot. The prompt picture of the destroyed beauty parlor is on that site, along with several other short tales that went with several other silly pictures. I wrote under the name of Rose von Barnsley.

Dollybigmomma beta'd this mess, so point the finger at her, but only if you're prepared to thumb wrestle.

HAIRBRAINED

By Savannavansmutsmut

It was my first time in the bar of my new town. I had just moved from the big city to a quiet little place called Dysentery. I thought it an odd name. It sounded familiar, like I had heard it before, but decided not to worry too much about it. The real estate was cheap, and the population was only 271. Well, now it was 272, I thought with a grin as I sat down. I patted down my hair. It wasn't faring well through my move, but when I looked around, everyone seemed to be a little frazzled.

An odd man came walking in with big poufy hair. He had sheers on his belt, along with a comb and a spray bottle. Everyone seemed to shift away from him, when he looked at them. He tisked in disgust and made his way over to the bar. He looked me up and down and smiled. "You condition," he said with such relief.

"Um, yes, of course." I was a girl, naturally I conditioned.

He let out a sigh. "You could use a trim," he said picking at my few split ends.

"I could, I think the dry air is wreaking havoc on my hair."

His eyes seemed to light up, and he pulled out his sheers, snipping off a few obvious split ends. "Can I buy you a drink? It's sad, but so few people here appreciate good hair."

I let out a chuckle, looking around. A few patrons shook their heads "no" at me, but I thought they were crazy. I would swear one looked like they had a rat's nest on their head. I was sure I saw the rat poke its head out from the tangle they called hair. I cleared my throat and looked away from the freaks. "Yeah, sure, you can buy me a drink. I take it you take care of the local hair?"

"I wish. The freaks won't let me anywhere near them," he said and reached his sheers out, snipping some split ends off the waitress walking past. "I have to get them trimmed where I can," he whispered and snipped at another patron walking past us. That one bumped me, slipping me a note.

The thing was written in horribly messy handwriting.

_Barber not sane, run!_

I crumbled up the paper and stuck it in my pocket, looking back across the bar. I noticed there was a line forming for the bathrooms. "Looks like there's a long line for the bathroom."

"Yes, well, that's what you get for living in Dysentery. I suggest you not use the restroom here. It's disgusting, almost as bad as their hair."

The bartender set the drink I'd ordered down in front of me, and he then twitched his head toward the door. I wondered if he had Tourette syndrome.

I drained my drink slowly, amused as the fancy-haired man snipped at people's hair as they walked past. Once I was finished, I looked over at him smiling. He was very handsome, and I was lonely and could use a good conditioning.

"Hey, I never did catch your name," I said smoothly.

"Edward," he replied smiling.

"Well, Edward, I'm Bella, and I need a good deep conditioning. Do you think you're up for the task?" I asked, with the hope of getting more than just my hair conditioned. It _was_ possible for a hairdresser to be strait.

He jumped around, giddy and squealing like a schoolgirl, and there went my hopes of getting laid, I thought sadly.

He grabbed my hand, dragging me out of the bar and down the sidewalk. We went three buildings over, when we stopped in front of an old torn-up building. "This is my shop. I know it isn't much to look at, but I swear I can work around the mob disaster."

"Mob disaster?" I asked.

"Can you believe they wanted to run me out of town for introducing them to hot waxing? I mean, by god, have you seen their facial hair? I swear the bearded woman has nothing on this crowd. The wolf man legend was born here," he said, dusting off a chair as I hopped over a few loose tiles.

"Oh, do you do eyebrows?" I asked.

He looked over at me grinning widely. "Yes! Oh, God, you're a dream come true, a person who grooms!"

He opened the back closet door for supplies, and I saw several mannequin heads with fancy hair. "I like the highlights on the third one."

He froze in place and glanced back at me, and then he looked where I was pointing. "What?" he asked.

"The head over there, top row, third head in. Could I get highlights like that?" I asked.

He grinned so big and wide it was creepy for a second, but he contained himself. He closed the door and looked bashful for a second. "No one has ever complimented me on my work," he blushed. "You're so sweet."

"No, you're very talented to accomplish that in this place. You must be very gifted." I knew you should always be on the good side of your hairdresser. He was one person you never wanted to piss off, or you'd end up looking like a freak for the next few months while trying to grow out their retribution.

He gave me the works. I was shampooed and deep conditioned, waxed, trimmed and highlighted, then styled to perfection. He wiped the mirror down, so I could see myself.

"Oh, Edward, you're a miracle worker! Please, tell me I can have a standing appointment with you every week to keep this up."

He squealed, "My first real customer!" He hugged me, swinging me around in a circle.

When he set me down, I gently patted my head. "Watch the hair," I said smiling. "Of course, I really don't mind coming back to have it fixed, do I," I giggled.

When I walked out of the shop, Edward was waving at me frantically, so happy. I smiled as I headed home; thrilled I'd made a new friend. The streets were lined with people staring at me like they were in shock.

I had finally had enough and asked a lady down the street what the problem was.

"He didn't chop off your head!"

I laughed, she was ridiculous. "Why on earth would he chop off my head?"

"He has a closet full of heads!"

"Hair dressers always have mannequin heads to practice on," I explained to the small-minded group. I walked a little further and passed the alley that ran behind the beauty parlor. I saw Edward wrestling a poor messy-haired girl. I wished they'd just let him fix their hair. He looked up at me and waved. "I'll see you next week!" he shouted.

"You bet you will!" I waved as he dragged the crazy-haired freak in through his back door. When I got home, there was a knock on my door. It was the sheriff.

"Ma'am, I've come to check on you," he said looking at my head funny.

"That's very kind of you. So, are you going to be changing the population sign to 272?" I asked trying to make conversation.

"Nah, Ed got Mary Sue, took her head right off, just like he did with the other folks. He usually just does people passing through town, but for some reason, he didn't take your head off and took out a local. I can't have him doing that."

I looked at him confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Eddie boy is a serial killer, but he usually doesn't mess with the locals. It's only me and another guy protecting the town. We only have three bullets left between us. We used to have six, but spent three the last time we tried to stop him, so we all just try and warn people to stay away from him."

"You can't be serious. This man is a hair genius. If he lived anywhere else, he'd be worshiped for his skills!" I grabbed his hand. "Feel this, it's soft as kitten hair after he conditioned me," I smooshed his hand into my hair. "And that's even with highlighting, HIGHLIGHTING I say, most people have rough haystack hair after highlighting."

I spent the rest of the week avoiding the crazy townspeople. When I showed up for my appointment, I brought flowers and a broom with me. "I was thinking I could help you clean this place up. You really need to, so you can showcase your talent, Edward. I've never met a man as gifted as you."

He wiped a tear away and put the flowers in an empty spray bottle. "You're such a gem, Bella," he hugged me to him.

"Why don't we get busy on this place, and then you can clean me up afterwards. It'll be fun!" I sounded giddy, even to myself.

We made quick work of the floor, and then he pulled out some thick goopy glue and used it to stick the loose tiles down. I washed down all the walls, mirrors, and chairs, and he dragged the old broken sink out to the back alley. I noticed he was missing a couple of light fixtures and asked him about them.

"The crazy lawmen came in, shooting up the place! I only have the one light now because of them. It makes working at night very difficult."

"Don't worry; I've installed ceiling fans at my last couple of places, so I can put a little light in, no problem." I went to the hardware store and bought two lights and some fancy curtains to hang in his window. I found two huge five gallon buckets of yellow "oops" paint and bought them as well. He was my only friend in town, and I wanted to let him know I appreciated him, even if no one else did.

He wiped tears away from his eyes, as I helped him paint the walls, covering the old stained paper on them. Once we were done, I put up the light fixtures, while he hung the curtains. The place looked so much better. I washed my hands and then plopped down in the chair.

"Well, Edward, are you still up for pampering me, or shall we reschedule?" I asked.

He smiled. "Let me order take-out, and I'll take care of you after dinner. I'm buying, it's the least I could do for you after all this," he wiped away another tear.

The one diner in town did deliver, but they just set the food at the shop door and ran. I shook my head. "When are people going to get it through their heads that you can help them look beautiful?"

He smiled as he walked over to me and kissed my lips softly, completely shocking me. I had been sure he was gay. I smiled and jumped on him, attacking him wildly. I think I surprised him a little. He sat down with me in his lap. "Don't worry your pretty little head about it. In the end, I always convince them their head is best in my hands when it comes to grooming." He kissed me lightly. "I have a closet full of them to prove it," he whispered and continued to kiss me. His words bounced around my head, and I tried to make sense of it all, but couldn't.

After a very vigorous make-out and grooming session, I promised to return again for my weekly appointment and blushed as he winked at me.

I let out a giddy sigh, as I skipped down the sidewalk.

"So, did you see the closet full of heads?" a woman asked me, and I rolled my eyes and walked on, ignoring her.

"Wait, could you just take a look at this picture?" She held up a picture of a woman with messy brown hair. "Is her head in the closet?"  
She did look familiar. I stared at the photograph, trying to place her. Then it all sank in.

"Top shelf, third head over, beautiful highlights," I said more to myself than the woman.

She gasped and ran away.

Well, shit, apparently I was dating a serial killer.

A/N This was a one shot, but because of the lovely response and the fact that I was feeling goofy, I made it a two shot. We got to explain why Bella is so at ease with our Hairwardo. The second chapter is not posted on the blog site, because it wasn't written at the time of the challenge.

You should really check it out. Dollybigmomma wants me to convert the Lartex "water balloon" story to Twilight Fan Fiction. I don't know if that's even possible. I'm bouncing it around in my head. Check it out and let me know if you have any idea on how to make that happen.

As always thank you so much for reading and please review. It helps keep my insanity locked in fiction.


	2. Chapter 2

**People asked for a little more, so here it is. It's all done for sure now. I hope you enjoyed this hair-brained story. Don't forget to condition, and mind those uni-brows!**

**Chapter 2 **

When word got back to the sheriff that I'd identified a girl named Angela, top shelf, third head in, he brought me more pictures. "Can you tell me if you've seen these girls as well?" He held four pictures of bad-haired women. I wondered if Edward had been afraid their hair would attack him and just took an offensive position on the whole thing. Some of those people were pretty scary.

"I'm not sure. I only really took notice of the first one because of the highlights," I said pointing to my hair.

"I hate to ask this of you, but would you be willing to go in again and see if you can confirm whether he has the missing girls? He doesn't seem to want to kill you."

"Well, of course not. I'm a repeat customer with a standing appointment. He gets to do my hair over and over, because I come in regularly." I left out that I'd also kissed him, and despite his insanity, I really wanted him. I'd had a really long dry spell, and I'd felt that monster in his pants when we'd made out.

The sheriff looked at me like I was insane. I didn't think he'd ever heard of regularly scheduling appointments with a hairdresser who was good with your hair. If you found a good one, you had to make repeat appointments; otherwise, you'd never know what you'd get. You didn't want some rookie out of beauty school destroying your life…I meant hair.

I took the pictures from him. "I'll see what I can do."

The next morning, I was showering, when I realized I didn't have proper hair product to keep my highlights from fading. I decided not to shampoo it and went to Edward's to buy some. I really didn't think the stores around there carried any colorfast shampoo, or any shampoo, really.

I was surprised to find his shop door was unlocked, even though the sign said closed. "Edward, honey, are you around? I need product!"

He came rushing out of the back room and slid across the tile with a huge grin, "Product?"

"Yes, I don't have anything to hold my highlights in! I can't believe I forgot that."

He let out a sigh with a starry-eyed smile. "You're so wonderful." He took my hand in his and kissed it.

My whole body tingled, making me want more. I pulled him to me. "Are you being shy this morning?" I taunted, grinning salaciously.

He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me lightly.

I pouted when he stepped back, "That's all I get?"

He chuckled and kissed my cheek. "I have to flip over the open sign."

"Fine, I'll forgive you, if you shampoo me yourself."

He slapped my butt. "You got it."

I rushed over to his chair, hopping into it so fast that it spun around.

He chuckled at my enthusiasm and gathered my hair in his hands, before he leaned down and kissed my neck. I was dying for more. "Edward, can we…?" I moaned when he bit me lightly, and I forgot my thought.

"Can we what, baby? Do you want a facial?"

"Oh, that sounds nice, but…"

"But what?" he asked a little sharp.

"Would you be willing to treat my whole body?" I reached back and grabbed his thigh.

"So you do want the facial?" he sounded hopeful.

"If it comes with a very, very thorough body wrap package and massage, and I mean a very thorough massage, Edward. I don't want you missing one spot." I rubbed up his thigh, making my point very clear.

His lips hit mine with vigor, making my body hum. He pulled me out of the chair, back to the massage table I had scrubbed down the night before. He spread out fresh sheets and helped me up.

He was quick to wrap me up, disappointing me with the minimal massage. "Promise me you'll rub me down once I'm unwrapped?"

"Of course, you'll need your body loosened up after laying here unmoving for half an hour. Just relax, baby. I'll take care of all your needs."

I moaned like a hussy. He turned on some soft classical music and gently massaged my face, giving me a quick kiss, before he slathered it with face cream. He set the cucumbers in place lightly. "I'll be back shortly." I could smell the sweet aroma of scented candles and did my best to relax.

He finally returned and unwrapped me painfully slowly. "You're gonna rub me down now, right?" I begged.

He kissed above my breast and nodded yes. I grabbed his shirt, tugging on it. "Take it off."

He complied quickly, and I didn't have to ask twice when I reached for his pants. "Slow down, baby. I still have work to do on you."

I pouted, nearly in tears, but they turned to moans, as he started working on my body. His hands were magic, as he rubbed me up and down. He finally kissed my lips, and I wove my hands in to his fluffy hair. "Please, taste my skin, to make sure the wrap was balanced evenly."

He leaned back, looking insulted for all of two seconds. "I think I need you to check here, and here," I pointed to my breasts, and then I pointed to my pussy, "and I definitely need you to check here, thoroughly. It's feeling a little tight. Do you mind massaging it?"

He caught on to my game quickly, climbing onto the table. My breasts were well moisturized by his lips, and my pussy was massaged with his tongue. I was screaming out in pleasure, and I wondered momentarily if the townspeople thought he was killing me.

"Please, I need you inside me," I begged.

"I can't."

"YOU CAN'T?" It was my turn to snap.

He scooped me off the table. "The table won't be able to handle the rocking."

"Oh, okay." I could understand that. "The chair," I ordered pointing out the door. "I'm riding you like you're my little pony."

He kicked my jeans on accident, knocking the pictures out of the pocket. He looked down, his brow furrowed. "Why do you have those?"

I grabbed his dick, "Talk later, sex now."

He tilted his head at me with a sweet smirk, "Sounds good."

I rode him hard and didn't let him up until he talked dirty to me, and I was talking about how proper shampooing could eradicate dandruff from the face of the earth. I responded with a little dirty talking myself, asking about Brazilian waxing. That had him hard for a second ride.

I finally snuggled into his chest a sweaty, sticky mess. He was twirling a few strands of my hair in his fingers. "So, tell me about the pictures."

I leaned up, kissing him lightly. "The sheriff gave them to me; he wanted me to check if you had them in your closet."

His brow started to furrow.

"If they are, I can only imagine it was in self-defense. That hair was scary. How could you even go near it? I'd have been afraid it would attack me."

"I have been bitten by more than one creature."

"Jesus, Edward, we've got to do something. That's disgusting. We have to find a way to get people to come into your shop on their own." I kissed the bite mark he showed me on his finger. "They can't damage your magic fingers, sweetheart. I need them."

I stretched my well-worked muscles and picked up the pictures from the floor. I felt Edward looming behind me as I opened the closet door. I tried to match the pictures to the heads, but couldn't. I spun around and found Edward there with a long old-fashioned straight razor. A shiver ran down my spine, and I brushed it off. "Edward, I don't see them." I held up the pictures for him. "Did you get these girls?"

He set the blade down and snatched the pictures from my hand. He carefully placed them each in front of a head. They looked nothing alike. I gazed up at him in awe. "I've never seen more amazing before and after pictures. Oh, my god, honey, you're brilliant." I picked up a bearded brown-haired woman's photo. Her uni-brow had been fixed, her face cleared and polished. "She looks so beautiful. How can they not see how wonderful you are? The shaping of her eyebrows and the facial you gave her make her look like she's a completely different woman." I grabbed his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. "I'm such a bad girl, getting myself all messy. I think you need to clean me up again. Do you think you're up for it?"

"I think your whole body is in need of a good washing, baby. Do you want me to wash you?"

"Will you be washing yourself? Can I watch you wash yourself?"

He pulled me up some stairs to a little apartment. His shower was huge, and we thoroughly enjoyed it. He towel dried me with expert precision, and I snuggled up with him on his bed.

"So, are you going to tell them I have the girls?"

"Does it matter? What's done is done, and honestly, it's a shame to hide your talent. Edward, they have to know how wonderful you are. If you like dead people, then maybe do side work for the mortuary, but I think what we really need to focus on is getting people in here to get their beauty needs taken care of regularly. I just know if they see how talented you are, they'll come back over and over. They have to recognize the treasure they have in you."

"You speak with such passion."

I blushed, "You make me feel passionate, and beautiful. Everyone deserves to feel beautiful." Then I narrowed my eyes at him. "You'd better not be making anyone else feel that beautiful. I'm the only one who gets that extra massage," I poked him in the chest.

He grinned, grabbing my hand and kissed my finger. "I'll only ever give you the works, baby. I promise."

That night, we grabbed a woman off the street, and I helped prep and clean her, so Edward could work his magic. When he lifted his straight razor, I shook my head no at him and handed him the clippers. He pouted, but got to work clearing all the extra facial hair. There were actually rodents in her hair, making me scream and jump up on the counter when they came running out. Edward thought it was funny and quickly disposed of them. The woman tied to the chair tried to plead for me to let her go through her gag, but that wasn't going to happen. She needed some serious help.

When she was finally plucked, waxed, buffed, beautified, and her hair done to perfection, I finally let her up after showing her herself in the mirror. "See, didn't he do a wonderful job? As long as you walk in here on your own from now on, you'll be walking out. Don't let us catch you neglecting your hygiene," I warned.

She ran out of the building, and Edward frowned. "Just give it time, honey. We have a few more women to catch."

It was just after our fourth catch and release that the sheriff walked in. "Ms. Swan, Mr. Masen, I've seen some nice things roaming the streets, and I'm hearing some good stuff." He rubbed his hand through his shaggy, sweaty hair, and I saw Edward cringe.

"Yes, Edward and I have made it our goal to make the whole town look more beautiful." I looked to Edward for confirmation, but his fingers were fondling the sheers he kept in his belt. I knew I had to do something quick. "In fact, we'd like to offer you a shampoo and cut as well."

Edward perked right up and hurried over to his seat, waving the sheriff over. I tried to give the sheriff a reassuring smile, but it might have come off as a little morbid. Edward got right to work shampooing the man's hair. The way he massaged a scalp was heaven, and I could tell by the moaning from the sheriff that he agreed.

Edward was a whirlwind when he worked. He was all over, not just hair, but face as well. I gagged a little when he trimmed the nose and ear hair off the sheriff, and I had to take the straight razor and give him the safe one to shave him clean. I didn't trust Edward with that razor in his hand. I wasn't stupid. My boyfriend was unhinged and killed on occasion, but I had a feeling I could fix that with the cooperation of the townspeople. We all had our quirks after all.

When the sheriff finally took a look at himself, he let out a laugh. "Well, I'll be! I look ten years younger." He did a little hop and then turned to us smiling. "Mrs. Platt used to be quite a looker; do you think you could do something with her? I'd really like to have a go at her cleaned up."

"Sure thing, Sheriff Cullen, would you like us to pick her up, or will you be sending her in yourself?"

"I'll send her in."

The sheriff was right. Esme Platt was a beautiful woman. I became a little jealous, when Edward seemed to be paying extra attention to her. He finally released her, and I confronted him. "What was that about?"

"Huh?"

"You and your lobe rubbing, then you wax her? All of her?" I shoved him back, making him fall across the stairs. "You're mine, Edward Masen! Don't think I didn't notice your smile when she started moaning in pleasure during her shampoo!"

"I was just cleaning her up for the sheriff, baby. She meant nothing to me."

"Nothing? Do I mean nothing, too? You waxed her underarms. You've never waxed mine!" I hadn't even realized I'd picked up the straight razor, until he grabbed my hand.

"Baby, settle down. I take care of you in the shower. I don't need to do the heavy stuff on you, because you're a natural beauty."

"Natural," I scoffed.

He pried the razor from my hand. "If you asked, I'd never shampoo another living woman again."

"No, you'd just kill them and cheat on me that way! You know what I do to cheaters? I take more than a straight razor to them, Edward. I grew up in a butcher shop. Guess what my job was?"

He gulped and my grin widened.

"You don't ever smile while you work again, or I'm making sausage for dinner."

"Bella, please, I just wanted to make her nice for the sheriff. I didn't want her. I only want you. I love being a beautician, please let me smile," he begged.

"Don't lie to me!"

"I'm not, and I can prove it."

My chest was heaving from crying. I nodded yes, unable to speak.

"Baby," he pulled a ring box out of his pocket, "Bella 'The Butcher' Swan, I promise to never hurt you. I know what happens to the men who do. I've admired your work in online news feeds." He wore a proud grin. "Marry me, baby. You know I'd never cross you. You're my favorite Brazilian wax. You're the only one who truly understands me and appreciates me. I swear never to take that for granted. You once called me a treasure, but it's you who is the treasure. So, please, baby, say yes. "

I nodded yes and jumped in his lap, kissing him madly. "You really want to marry me?"

"Yes," he answered low and husky. He helped me slide the ring into place and then kissed me wildly. I knew he wouldn't cross me. He knew me as "The Butcher" and still wanted to marry me. There was no fear in his eyes, just excitement. I was his, and I knew he'd forever be mine…even if I had to store him in the freezer.

The End

A/N: Now it's officially over.


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